born a closed book
by in48frames
Summary: Deeks used to be in a band.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _This story will end up spanning about 24 hours, but I'll be posting it in page-long chunks every few days. Hope you enjoy._

* * *

Deeks used to be in a band.

Actually, he was frontman and creator of a band, something he is sure to interject whenever the subject comes up.

The subject comes up only in the dark recesses of a bar with a round (and not the first) on the table. Surprisingly, Deeks is never the one to bring it up; it's always Kensi, and she's always laughing at him. It's good-natured ribbing, something Deeks has never taken issue with, and he thinks being in a band is pretty cool, even if he was never quite the "rock star" Kensi has taken to mockingly calling him. (In reality, that is. Obviously Deeks is everything he's ever wanted to be inside his head.)

The Wonder Twins drag the team out to a bar on a Friday night. Well, less the team and more Kensi and Deeks. And less a bar; more a 'karaoke lounge' with 'private rooms and strobe lights.' The agents dig in their heels upon initial sighting of the neon signage, but the twins will not be dissuaded... and it's Friday night... and no one can _make_ you sing, right? Plus there's alcohol. That always helps.

Thankfully it's a bit too ridiculous to rent a room for four people, although that also means they're in the main room and surrounded by strangers, but less chance of actually singing, right?! They get drinks. They laugh at diva performances (male and female). They drink more. Eric gets up and sings a song from Rent, because duh. Nell starts an under-the-radar campaign to get Kensi to duet with her. It's sneaky and evil and it totally works. Kensi loves Nell and they do brave things together and she's a liiittle bit tipsy and so, fine, she will get up and sing Pat Benatar and flip her hair and shake her butt. The crowd loves them and Kensi returns to the table flush with adrenaline and just a touch of why-did-stupid-Deeks-have-to-see-that-I-will-never-live-this-down embarrassment. He gets an (admittedly undeserved) glare for his enthusiastic applause, and Kensi gets another drink.

Despite constant goading, Deeks waits until later in the night to go up. Somehow he acquires a guitar, and ignores the karaoke business altogether in favour of pretending he's at an open mic night. He even finds a stool to perch on, and Kensi rolls her eyes so hard they could fall out of her head, though secretly she's insanely curious as to what he'll sing.

Looking down, Deeks strums out a few slow chords and begins to sing. Right away Kensi's stomach seems to flip over, and she presses a hand to the spot as she listens to the voice she knows so well. It sounds so familiar but so different; she feels it surround her and fill the cavity inside her chest. Halfway through the song, Deeks looks up and their eyes meet. Kensi holds his gaze for a moment and then looks down at the floor. She drops her hand and grips her chair on either side of her legs. Schooling her face, she tries to just look normal until the song ends.

She claps when it's over, smiling into nothing as Deeks returns to their little table. Eric stands up to give him a man-hug and Nell raises a hand for a high-five. When he sits back down next to her, Kensi flashes a smile his way and says, "Not bad, Deeks."

He nods, only half smiling.

Kensi spends the rest of the night pretending he doesn't exist and the shot glass is her best friend.

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**Next:** _In short, Kensi gets wasted._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _This is the shortest bit. Bear with me. If you're a detail-oriented person, Monty is with the pet sitter, whom he adores._

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In short, Kensi gets wasted. The safest person to take her home, emotionally, would be Nell; Nell being a tiny elfin creature, that doesn't so much work on a practical level. Eric isn't an option for reasons of awkwardness and, yeah, mostly awkwardness. That leaves Deeks.

Maybe Kensi would have made some different choices if this end result had occurred to her, but she wasn't really thinking about end results, and anyway now everything is a bit swirly and she can't quite walk a straight line. At least, that's what she assumes from Deeks's firm grip on her upper arm. She saw him drinking too, so he can't be entirely sober, but she guesses it's a matter of degrees (as she swerves toward a door jamb and Deeks straightens her out).

"Sorry, Deeks."

"'Sokay, Kens. Let's just get home in one piece."

In the cab, he gives the driver his own address. Kensi thinks about that for a minute before saying, "Hey."

Deeks doesn't respond and Kensi forgets what she was trying to say until they pull up outside his building and she says again, "Hey. What's this about."

He pays and helps her out of the cab, waiting until they're on the walkway before saying, "I just want to keep an eye on you."

Kensi bristles and shakes off his hand. "Get offa me, I can walk." She ends up with scratches from a bush on the side of the path.

Patiently, Deeks takes her arm again and says, "Relax, Kensi. You know you can trust me. Just let me help you."

Her eyes fill with tears and she manages to stomp her foot without tripping herself. "This is the worst. I'm never drinking again."

Deeks chuckles.

They make it to his apartment and he leads her to the bed and sits her down. She furrows her brow and looks up at him and he says, "You take the bed. The sheets are clean. I'll sleep on the floor."

She shakes her head and grabs his wrist. "You're not a dog, Deeks. Don't sleep on the floor."

"I'm _not_ a dog?" He smiles and twists his arm so he's hanging onto her hand. "That's high praise coming from you. What do you suggest?"

Twisting around, she points at the other side of the bed. "You sleep there." She twists around again and puts one hand to her head while pointing at the near side with the other. "I sleep here." She pauses a moment and then crawls slowly and carefully under the blankets and puts her head on the pillow.

"Oh, present tense, I see."

He's laughing at her but she can't deal with that right now. In her head she waves her hand at him but in reality her body is made of lead and she just closes her eyes and burrows into the pillow.

* * *

**Next: **_Waking, Kensi is disoriented, but not scared._


	3. Chapter 3

Waking, Kensi is disoriented, but not scared. She knows immediately that she's with Deeks; she just doesn't know why the bed is unfamiliar or why Deeks is in the bed with her or why they are completely wrapped up in one another (but still clothed, thank God). Instead of opening her eyes, she squeezes them shut as she attempts to unobtrusively retrieve her arms from around his back.

It doesn't work. She feels him stir, and pull his outside arm back slowly, and she peeks up at his face. He's looking straight down at her, and she stares silently back; suddenly she can't breathe and her mind is blank. They are inches apart and the look on his face _terrifies_ her, but she hasn't had even a second to build up her defenses, and she just can't move. She doesn't want to ever look away, but she can't help her eyes dropping to his lips. She presses her toes into the mattress and moves up an inch or two. His eyes fall on her lips, and she tilts her chin up involuntarily. His eyes return to hers, questioning, and she's seconds away from just doing it when he finally dips his head. He waits a hair's breadth from her mouth, giving her the chance to pull away, and then their lips meet.

Deeks's kiss starts so gentle, but she can't deal with the feelings that stirs up—she _can't_—so she pushes against him and presses her mouth hard onto his. She isn't rough but she does kiss him as if she's been wanting to do this for years, because let's face it, she has. They both have. And Deeks has no problem responding in kind. He brings his arm back around her and presses his palm against her back, bringing her closer. Kensi has her hands on either side of his face and scratches her nails through the whiskers there. She knows his stubble is burning her lips and she is _fine_ with that right now because if anything is worth it, this is.

From the arm that's pinned under her neck, Deeks's hand digs into her crazy-messy-bedhead-wavy-thick hair, and they make simultaneous sounds in the back of their throats. Both pairs of eyes pop open and they have to break apart to have a giggle fit.

After a minute Kensi's face turns serious and Deeks looks back at her, bringing his hand up to run through her hair and stroke it back from her face.

Kensi closes her eyes. "God, Deeks," she says, as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

"I appreciate the compliment, but in the interests of full-disclosure, I am very sadly neither all-knowing, all-powerful, _nor_ omniscient. Such a rip-off."

An undignified snort escapes Kensi. She opens her eyes but keeps them about chin level so she doesn't have to meet his eyes. "I mean, this is bad, right?" There is no conviction in her voice; she wants him to disagree. "Of course it's bad. It's crazy."

Deeks wraps his arms tight around her and she moves with him easily, her cheek nestling against his collar bone. "Has one of us been grievously injured?" He waits for a response. Kensi doesn't deign. "Have we shot and/or killed anyone?" Another pause. "Are we likely to leave a swath of destruction in our wake?"

Kensi's hands fist in the material of his shirt at his sides. Deeks cups his hand around the nape of her neck.

"I wouldn't use the word 'bad' to describe anything about you. Me, that's a different story... but us? The combination of you and me?"

She turns her face and presses her forehead into his shoulder.

His voice is soft when he says, "That's not bad, Kensi. That's anything but bad."

Once more she shifts, turning her face into his neck this time, and he can feel her sigh against his skin. He shuts up for a bit and strokes the back of her neck. They lie in silence and he has everything he wants in his arms and he's just waiting for the moment it's gone.

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**Next: **_Kensi knows how she's supposed to feel..._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **_To give you a sense of how this will play out: this is part four. There will be three more parts. The rest of this story is feelings + makeouts + more feelings + more makeouts, so the sooner you accept that, the happier you will be. ENJOY._

_This picks up where the last chapter left off..._

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Kensi knows how she's supposed to feel, how she wants to feel (wanted?), how she did feel (did she?). She knows what she's said, how she's pushed him away, the distance she forced between them. It all made sense at the time, it still makes sense to her logically. Where it goes off the rails is the way she feels right now.

Maybe she knew all along, and that's why she never let him past that one final barrier between them. Maybe she knew that as soon as she let him in that close, she wouldn't be able to push him away again. Because the way she feels right now is like she belongs here, right here, with him. Consciously she told herself it was just a physical attraction and they could easily ignore it and dance around it and things would be better that way. They weren't missing out on anything big; just sex.

But that's not the way it is at all, she sees that now. She _feels_ it. It's in the way he holds her and the way he talks to her, yes, but that wouldn't really be enough to sway her. If it was just him. If she could lie here and feel nothing except whatever surface physical attraction they've established. She's been in bed with relative strangers before, lain next to them and wanted nothing more than to flee once both their needs were met. As ridiculous as it sounds even thinking it to herself, lying next to Deeks is more like being with a part of herself that she's been missing for longer than she can remember.

Kensi doesn't believe in true loves or soul mates. She knows too well the ways that love can fail or be torn apart.

But that never stopped her from dating random jackasses in the past.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Deeks says, voice rough.

"You aren't going to like it," Kensi says against his neck, and he stiffens and starts to pull away. She lets him, so she can see his face, but curls her fingers into the front of his shirt before he can get too far. "Hang on."

He doesn't want to look at her now, and she runs her hand up behind his neck, tangling her fingers in his hair. His Adam's apple bobs; his eyes are trained on her cheek.

Gently, she says, "It's not as bad as all that. What I want to say... It's that all the practical reasons I had for keeping us apart, or whatever, or... Anyway, I think all those reasons still apply. Practically. Logically. None of that has changed."

He just watches her talk with the saddest puppy dog look on his face, and she rubs her fingertips against his scalp but he's so sure he's going to be denied. It breaks her heart.

"Deeks, I'm so bad at this. What I'm trying to say is I think _I_ have. I've changed. I think those reasons are beyond me now. I think..." She ducks her head to meet his eyes and scrunches up her face. "You kind of won me over?"

He looks at her and inhales as if he's coming up from underwater. He brings his hands up and rests them lightly on either side of her jaw, barely touching.

"Let me see if I've got this straight."

"Okay."

"What I'm hearing from you is that I was right."

"Um—"

"All along."

"Well—"

"And you were—" he cocks his head at her, "—less right?"

Kensi narrows her eyes and twists her mouth (so obviously smiling) and starts to push at his chest, but Deeks laughs and gathers her hands into one of his, holding the other up with his index finger in the air.

"Just tell me, am I on the right track?"

She pushes against him even so, tilting her head forward to defeat the purpose. "Don't get cocky, Deeks, I could change my mind at any moment," as she presses her mouth against his.

"Could you?" he says against her lips, and she says, "No," and pushes him onto his back. She straddles his waist and flips her hair out of her face, grinning wickedly down at him.

To lean down and kiss him, Kensi has to gather her hair in one hand and twist it to keep it together. If she lets go it will attack them both, so she has to keep a firm grip on it the whole time, which they both find absurdly hilarious.

Even though this is a Very Serious Situation, they kiss and giggle at the same time, pretty much to be expected when it comes to them. Eventually Deeks takes pity on her and flips them around so her hair isn't such a hazard. His may be almost-girl-length but certainly not interfere-with-kissing length.

When Kensi has both hands free again, she sets to removing clothing. Despite the fact that this has been a long time coming, there's no frenzy to their movements. They take their time because they figure, for now at least, they have the time to take, and they'll make the most of it.

Still, they'd rather be naked.

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**Next:** _Some hours later they wake up starving from a nap._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **_I apologize for the impromptu hiatus! Life does that sometimes. If you need to reread the last chapter go for it, because we're definitely not on the same page as canon (though last night's episode was great). And remember: makeouts and feelings. I promise nothing more._

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Some hours later they wake up starving from a nap. Deeks gives Kensi one of his shirts to wear and heads off to the kitchen. It is _literally_ a scene out of a romantic comedy and Kensi, who hasn't been in a relationship since Jack, seriously does not even know what to do with that.

When Deeks comes back with scrambled eggs and coffee, Kensi says awkwardly, "You do this for all the girls?"

Deeks smiles as he makes his way around to the other side of the bed. "Only the ones I want to stick around." He sits cross-legged on the bed with his food, wearing a pair of pajama pants.

Kensi looks at his abdominal region and smirks briefly, then stares down at her plate and pushes eggs around with her fork.

It doesn't take Deeks a minute to pick up on her weirdness, and he puts down his fork and looks at her, saying mildly, "These are going to be so gross when they're cold."

"Can you microwave eggs?" she mumbles, and Deeks waits quietly. He's actually pretty good at that—once he figured out that the comic distraction doesn't really work on Kensi (but let's be honest, he'll probably try it next time anyway).

The point is, he's smart enough to not use it _this time_, and eventually Kensi looks up at the ceiling and sighs hugely.

"I guess I'm just _worried_. And I'm worried that I'm always going to be worried. So that worries me. And I don't know what to do about it." She looks beseechingly at Deeks. "Aren't you worried?"

Moving his plate out of the way, Deeks shuffles over on the bed so he can sit next to Kensi and take one of her hands. She almost flinches, and he stills. When she relaxes (all of a half-second later), he lays his other hand on top and says, "What are you worried about?"

"What if we suck at being partners and it puts one or both of us or someone _else_ in danger? What if Hetty finds out and totally murders us and hides us where they'll never find the bodies? Are we going to _tell_ Hetty? What if after a week we start to hate each other and can never work together again? There's a lot going on here, Deeks!"

He nods along seriously to her vaguely hysterical rant. She puts her forehead in her other hand and shakes her head, closing her eyes, while squeezing his hand with all her might.

After a minute of considerate pondering, Deeks takes a deep breath. "The truth, for me, Kensi, is that not all that much has changed. We haven't exactly had the most... professional... working relationship. And there's a lot of jokes I never would have made if they hadn't been true for me on some level. That has never stopped me from being your partner first and foremost, and having your back above all other things.

"But we have to continue trusting each other to be there no matter what, or we _won't_ be able to work effectively together. You know? I have faith in us. If you don't, just be honest about it and we'll deal with it." He fiddles with her fingertips and ducks his head to smile at her. "Alive is priority numero uno, right?"

"I trust _you_," she replies immediately, ignoring his smile entirely. "But if you've been working around this for however long, I've been pretending it didn't exist for just as long. I don't know if maybe I'll be worse at my job when things are... real."

Deeks keeps one hand with hers and puts his other arm around her shoulders, leaning just the slightest bit into her side. "We've worked a lot of cases where your emotions have factored into your judgments. That's one of your greatest assets to this team. If that _honestly_ becomes a problem and you feel you cannot perform at the necessary levels, I will support you in whatever it takes to get you back on track. But Kensi, your emotions are not the enemy and they aren't a... _liability_. They are this major, special part of you that you should never fight or try to change." She has her face pressed into his shoulder and he can hear her taking deep breaths, so he goes for the laugh. "After all, your _feelings_ got you me, and now you're pretty much set for life, so don't knock 'em."

She squints up at him and sticks her tongue out, then kisses him with that tongue. Even though she's not quite finished with their conversation, she climbs onto his lap and holds his face in her hands, kissing him with all the anxieties of doing this and all the relief of _finally fucking doing this_. She pulls back, hands still cradling his face, and says, "I might only say this once, but you're a really good guy, Deeks." His response is a grin so boyish and adorable she can't help but grin back and kiss him again.

* * *

**Next: **_When she leans back the next time..._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **_Forgive me for the long wait. The next part will be the ending and I will post it very soon._

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When she leans back the next time, she drapes her arms over his shoulders, looks him full in the face, and says, "Hetty."

"Wow." Trying very hard not to shove her off his lap, Deeks inches Kensi back a little. "Now that's a mood killer."

She smiles angelically. "Really though."

"Really though? I don't think there's any reason to say anything right now. Or possibly in the near future. I would also be okay with... never... um, just to throw that option out there." He grimaces.

"You're scared of her."

He makes a _duh!_ face.

"Okay, admittedly you probably have reason to be. But I agree that it isn't necessarily... necessary... right now." Then she draws a deep breath and freezes, looking over his shoulder.

"Kens?" He would look behind him but her eyes aren't actually focused on anything. "Keeensiii," he says, drawing out her name and gently poking her in her sides.

"Um." She backs off his lap and kneels on the bed in front of him. She fiddles with the bedsheet, her eyes fixed on her hands but occasionally darting up to Deeks. "I feel like if we're putting things on the table then we should probably be, like, thorough. And to be honest, to be really honest, like so honest I'll kill you if you ever mention this to anyone else ever—" she looks at him then, with daggers in her eyes, "—I don't really know how this works. No, I have no freaking clue how this works. And this isn't exactly a typical situation."

Deeks is looking a little scared.

Kensi sighs, twisting the sheet tight around her fingers. "We're talking about this thing like it's an actual thing, and I feel like we need to establish whether it actually is a thing, or like, what kind of thing it is. So that we're clear. On the thing.

"Because technically we have just kissed and stuff." (Deeks mouths "and stuff" at no one.) "Which doesn't automatically make a thing, as far as I can tell from my experiences with non-things.

"And I know things can get weird when the thing is not defined. Please never let me use the word 'thing' again."

Finally Deeks sputters out a laugh, slightly astonished by that avalanche of words. He opens his mouth to reply and then shuts it again, realizing he has no idea what to say. It isn't hard to figure out what he wants (everything), but he doesn't want to scare her or overreach. So for the first time since they woke up this morning, Deeks is truly speechless.

Kensi peers up at him questioningly.

"I don't want to say the wrong thing, Kens."

She twists her mouth to the side and stares at her hands, still mauling the bedsheet.

Gently he untangles her fingers and holds her hands in his cupped palms. "I've been doing a lot of talking today. What do you want, Kensi? Do you know?"

She keeps her eyes on their hands, wrapping her fingers around his. Then she looks up, her face open and vulnerable, and says, "I want you. And I want to not be afraid." She shrugs and looks down again.

He tugs on her hands and she comes back to settle on his lap so he can wrap his arms around her. Leaning his cheek against her hair, he says quietly, "I won't ask what exactly scares you... but do you know if there's anything that will help you not be scared?"

She leans into his chest and holds his hand in both of hers. "I need..." She closes her eyes to build up courage, takes a deep breath, and says, "I need to know you won't be hooking up with other girls. I guess I need to be... and I hate the way this sounds... I need to know I'm your priority. I just can't put myself out there unless I know you're there with me. I know that's a lot to ask..."

Chuckling under his breath, Deeks rocks them slightly from side to side. He has too many feelings to speak for a minute, and he can feel Kensi tensing up in his arms—like it's everything she can do to wait for his answer and not pull away. He squeezes her and says, "Kensi, where have you been? That's not a lot to ask, that's nothing. I mean, God, here I am thinking I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. Either I'm a lot more stealthy than I think, or..."

"I'm totally oblivious?" she chokes out and ducks her head to press it to his chest, letting go of his hand to wrap her arms around his abdomen.

"Maybe a little," he says with a smile. Making sure all plates and cutlery are out of the way, Deeks lies back on the bed and stretches out his legs as Kensi readjusts to lie beside him. They're back in a romantic comedy, Kensi listening to his heartbeat as they cuddle up in bed in the middle of the day. Neither minds at all. They work hard enough during the week (and certain weekends as well, let's be real) that a chill day off is always welcome.

* * *

**Next: **_"That song..."_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**_ The awfully short conclusion. Song info at the end._

* * *

"That song…"

Deeks winces a little. "Not my most subtle moment. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"It was pretty on-the-nose, but I'm sure I needed to hear it. And Deeks…" She turns her face into his chest so her voice is muffled. "That may have been the sexiest thing you've ever done." She raises her head and crosses her arms on his chest, propping her chin on top. "You have no idea how hard it was to sit there and look normal."

"There's going to be a lot of looking normal if we keep this from Hetty. Sure you're up for it?"

"Let's just say there's a world of difference between watching your totally-platonic-partner sing a totally sexy song, and—" She grins. "—being good for a day with the knowledge that 'platonic' ends at five P.M. Not that our days ever end at five P.M., but you know what I mean."

He kicks his chin at her and Kensi pushes off his chest, leaning up over him to kiss his mouth. She settles on top of her hands on top of his chest and lets their lips meet alone. There's something to be said for sexual tension—the butterflies, the potential, the anticipation—but she can't remember the last time she's felt as happy and fulfilled as she does right now. She imagines that having a torrid secret affair will come with its own charm, and can't help smiling against his lips.

Deeks doesn't bother asking what that's about; just smiles back.

There's a 98% chance they're on the same page.

_The end._

* * *

**A/N:** _For those curious, the song was Red Heart by Hey Rosetta, though Deeks slowed it down to make it ~sexier. A quick google should turn up lyrics and a video of the song._

_Thanks for reading along!  
_


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